Priest shares how he battled depression, emerged from ‘dark pit’ of temptation to suicide
Father Salvador Aguado Miguel. / Credit: Courtesy of Father Salvador Aguado Miguel
Vatican City, Jul 10, 2025 / 16:30 pm (CNA).
“I was on the edge of a precipice, dead inside, at the very bottom of a dark pit.”
With these stark words, Spanish priest Salvador Aguado Miguel shared his testimony following the suicide last week of young Father Matteo Balzano, an event that has shaken the Catholic Church, especially in Italy.
In the wake of this tragedy, Aguado shared on social media something he had not said publicly until now: “Five years ago, I was in the same place, on the edge of that precipice, at the bottom of that dark pit. Thank goodness Manuel, my psychologist, came into my life; he was like an angel who rescued me, sent by God.
"It's very, very hard to be in that situation,” the priest wrote on Instagram.
The pastor of Holy Faith parish in Valencia, Spain, revealed that he went through an extremely difficult period of anxiety, during which he felt “dead inside.” He confessed that the pressure was so intense that he even considered “getting out of the way.”
*The importance of mental health*
Speaking with ACI Prensa, CNA’s Spanish-language news partner, Aguado said he “really identified” with Balzano, because often “we are not aware of those demands we make on ourselves or all the pressures we subject ourselves to.”
“We’re not superheroes…we also go through emotional lows,” the priest explained, emphasizing that seeking professional help, especially a psychologist, “is not a bad thing, but quite the opposite.”
For Aguado, it is urgent to raise greater awareness about mental health and the importance of psychological help “at all levels.”
*The ‘idealization’ of the priesthood*
The priest lamented the criticism or stigmatization of those who have experienced depression or publicly shared their suffering, and expressed his sorrow for the judgment passed on Balzano following his suicide.
“We have to put ourselves in the shoes of these people. Recognizing something like that is not easy; I know this from experience. In those moments, no matter how much faith or commitment you may have, managing such profound suffering is extremely difficult,” he pointed out.
Aguado added that one of the reasons that leads to the demands and pressure on priests is the “idealization” of the priesthood: “We forget that human side, that fragile side.”
The self-imposed need to always give his best and the false belief that he must be available 24/7 pushed the priest to the limit, to the point of even considering leaving the priesthood. “We too need our space: going to the movies, taking a walk, having coffee with another priest or a parishioner,” he explained.
*A deeply Catholic psychologist*
Regarding his experience with the psychologist, whom he described as “an angel” and a true gift from the Lord, he emphasized the great difference it made that he was a “deeply Catholic” person.
“During the sessions, we also worked with the Bible. He often encouraged me to read what Jesus did in this or that passage,” reflecting on the “more psychological” side of Jesus, the priest recounted.
Addressing priests who may be going through a similar situation, Aguado encouraged them to “allow themselves to be touched by the fragility of the Lord and understand that, in the end, we are not made of iron, but rather flesh and blood.”
He advised them to remove the “mask” that “everything is fine” and learn to “combine human and priestly reality at the same time.” Above all, he recommended “allowing themselves to be accompanied by professionals” and to draw from resources within the parish or pastoral ministry, “which is always very helpful.”
In addition to self-imposed demands, he noted that criticism, from both clergy and laity, also caused him a lot of pain. “I learned to deal with all those critical and angry attacks with the Bible,” he explained.
*The Lord always draws a lesson from evil*
The Spanish priest, who last winter experienced firsthand the tragedy of the catastrophic flooding in Valencia, which caused more than 200 deaths and extensive property damage, emphasized that “the Lord always draws a lesson from every evil.”
In his case, he says, he found his passion for digital evangelization, something that has helped him "discover that unique gift that the Lord has placed in my life." Now, he enthusiastically evangelizes through social media, where he has more than 50,000 followers.
*Improving formation in seminaries*
To anticipate these situations, Aguado suggested more mental health formation in seminaries: "We receive a lot of formation in spirituality and theology, but we don't have any formation in mental health," he said.
According to the priest, they also lack a place to turn when they are in a bad way such as a team of psychologists in the diocese who can help them through the most difficult moments. "I believe it is essential, in addition to the seminary, which is the place of formation par excellence, to have follow-up support."
Aguado concluded with hope, emphasizing that the important thing is to recognize the problem, "realize that there is something to change in your life," and take the steps to get help.
*Help is available*
If you or someone you know is experiencing an emotional crisis or having suicidal thoughts, remember that the Catholic Church offers spiritual guidance, prayer, and listening spaces, and encourages seeking professional help. You can contact helplines, such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline for your country, or go to your parish, where you will find pastoral support and resources. The Catholic Church teaches that life is a gift from God and compassionately accompanies those who suffer, without judging, and offers hope, prayer, and comfort to affected families.
This story was first published by ACI Prensa, CNA’s Spanish-language news partner. It has been translated and adapted by CNA.